Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
