we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
