The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize