Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
