I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you would pick up someone in the library
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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