the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
