Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
