My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
