you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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