So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
