One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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