I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
