I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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