My Higher Power is John Stamos
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
