I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
