hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
