The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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