the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize