it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
