My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
