just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
