Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
