you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
