I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
