yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
