at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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