tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
