Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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