I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
