I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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