I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
