After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize