I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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