after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
