As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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