He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
