I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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