if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize