I wish my penis had an off switch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
