I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
