haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
