the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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