Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize