yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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