guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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