Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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