He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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