Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Jerry, you need to find god
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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