im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
