I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
