Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
