i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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