He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If I die, sorry about rent.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
