there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
