literally had 100 drinks last night.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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