I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is Oprah even human
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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