By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
