just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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