I want to make a zoo with you.
from now on my penis is your penis
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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