I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize