That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
