I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My vagina is officially offended.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
