A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
