for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
