I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
