just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize